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Category: Pop Culture

Retro gaymer lust confirmed

Hey bro! want to come over and see my new 1up 3/4 scale replica Pac-Man arcade cabinet I got at Walmart. Don’t worry! we don’t have to wear masks, or a socially distance because we’re bro’s, and besides I know where your face has been heh-heh! We’ll just play some Pac-Man, drink some beers, smoke some weed, and talk about our beards. Yours is coming in good, might I say. I hope you don’t mind if I stand a little close. I just want to see all the action on the screen, and if you get the high score I’ll have to give you a bro hug, or maybe a bro kiss when you’re not looking. JK bro! Gotcha! Seriously come over tonight, let’s have some fun!


The Lost Vikings 16-Bit Suck Off

The Lost Vikings are the titular protagonists of The Lost Vikings franchise, bearing the names of Baleog the Fierce, Erik the Swift, and Olaf the Stout. This group of burly mothers make me wanna grab my game controller and start button mashing. In the game they each have to work together with their individual set of abilities to advance the game. I like to think how that game mechanic might translate in the bedroom. Their gruff determination and hairy attitude would definitely flip me but based on the illustration above I hope they’re growers, because they are certainly not show-ers.


8-Bit Marty the Bear

Old man Marty is never late for the party. This hot chubby bear bottom would love nothing more than to host Baleog the Fierce, Erik the Swift, and Olaf the Stout, from The Lost Vikings, for a little 16-Bit romp in his tight but malleable butthole.


A Monumental Ass From the Past

I found this old pamphlet up in my parents attic the other day and could not resist taking a pic of that monumental ass. I believe it’s a Michelangelo sculpture, but not sure which one. The other muscly dude wrapped around his legs and face pressed up against his thigh is enough to drive one batty with dirty thoughts. I can hardly believe this was printed in 1959. I guess if something back then was considered “fine art” it got a pass. Honestly if this flyer was printed today I don’t think they would use this image. Man butt is no longer considered the height of beauty in the art world, but don’t fear my horny brethren, here at Urban Mountain Man it always will be.


Hey Bud! What’s in your game sack?

I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube content about retro gaming. I wouldn’t consider myself a gamer, but I grew up with video games, and I still play my old Wii from time to time. Watching scruffy mature men grunt, complain, and pontificate about their favorite consoles or game franchises is not only informative, but also I find it to be a nice springboard for my nerdy buddy fantasies.


Another grocery store romance

I had a strange horny surprise at the grocery store tonight. This goddamn, sexy grey bearded cro-mag daddy donning a weiner lei, and baring a weiner tattoo appeared in the frozen meat aisle. His name is Carl. Even though he was only a cardboard cut out for Johnsonville brats, I really felt we had a connection. Although we didn’t talk much, or at all, and he barely looked at me, that is on par with most guys I meet at the bar, so this just might work out.


Bush’s baked beans bearded bitch

It’s been along time since I’ve seen that stupid golden retriever talking about selling the recipes or Bush’s baked beans. I so wanted to strangle that dog! how dare he sell that recipe!!! But I am glad this time around the Bush guy has become an older bearded man craggy type that I can jack off to.


Mortimer goes ga-ga for Kenny(and The First Edition!)

We all know Kenny Rogers is the most sexiest 70s salt and pepper Bear ever. But! if you are ever bored with your normal porn feed, do an image search for “Kenny Rogers and The First Edition” and you will find a young and dashing version of this country legend. So pretty I can’t get my mind out of the gutter. He played bass too! LICK!!!


Gay Ass lyrics from one of Heavy Metals leading units!

OK! everybody knows Rob Halford is gay, but they didn’t know it in 1983. Which is why it is worth re-looking at some Judas Priest early song lyrics like the one posted below. The song Eat Me Alive is off the album Defenders of the Faith. And fer my money its best song about a blow job since Terry Reid’s early 70s sleeper hit Super Lungs. But what makes this interesting is the fact that we know now that this song is about a gay blow job. I dunno? I guess it gives me a semi knowing that many young teenage heshers were banging their heads to a song about gay cock while they were most likely deriding gay people on a daily basis. I realize this has probably all been hashed out elsewhere and everywhere in the metal world but I just wanted to get in on some easy action. Great lyrics btw.


Mustaches are inspiring lights through the pain

I’m caught between the upper lip and the whiskers of a strange man. Can’t say why I’m here in this space and time but I know I wanna hang in this moment as long as possible. I know there is stability, there is direction, there is identity. Yes! I wanna ride the ‘stache until I fall asleep for 8 hours straight. Piss in his mouth and roll over instead of getting up. Why because Mustache Man is here for me and I’m here for him.